Squirrels
by JulyPie
Summary: Alice reads an article about the grey squirrel, and how they are causing the red squirrel population of Britain to plummet. She decides something must be done... and she drags the rest of the family into her crusade


This is a subject I feel very strongly about…

**This is a subject I feel very strongly about… **

**BPOV**

"Huh" Alice was sitting on the couch, reading a magazine that appeared to interest her. I looked up.

"What you reading Alice?" I asked her

"Oh, nothing, just this article about squirrels" I nodded, and went back to the book I was reading

"Pft!" Alice sounded outraged now.

"What is it?" asked Jasper, slightly concerned

"Nothing, just this article" Alice resumed reading

"What's it about?" asked Carlisle, walking into the room. Edward shot him a glance that meant "do not ask", but he did, and Alice answered.

"Well, the article is about the red squirrel, native squirrel of Britain" she looked around, making sure everyone was listening, the resumed her explanation.

"And how the grey squirrel, originally from this very country," she pointed to the ground for effect "is usurping the red squirrel territory! And now the Red squirrels numbers are diminishing at an alarming rate!"

"Survival of the fittest Alice, if the red squirrels can't cope, it's their fault" said Edward. Alice's eyes lit up, flames appearing in the amber irises.

"So Edward! Suppose you are a squirrel, a lovely red, British squirrel that enjoys cricket and a cup of tea now and then. And suddenly, some brash American squirrels turn up, suddenly, oh look! There are no nuts! What do you know! All the trees are taken! And your little squirrel daughter is forced to work as a scullery maid in the home of a grey squirrel family, your squirrel son is rummaging in the trash, hoping maybe, just maybe the person who owned that trash had a party last night and they served mixed nuts! Your squirrel wife is distant, your squirrel marriage is on the rocks and your squirrel mother is living with you in a bush because all the elderly grey squirrels have taken up the spaces in the squirrel retirement home! And you're forced to degrade yourself in the park in a vain hope that some five year old will give you a nibble of her sandwich!!"

"Alice this sounds an awful lot like squirrel racism. You are condemning these immigrant squirrels, blaming them for the social problems of the red squirrels."

"Edward don't be ridiculous! The greys are not immigrants, they're invaders! They are the squirrel equivalent of the Conquistadors!" shouted Alice. Edward sighed.

"I empathise with the squirrels, I do, but there's not much we can do" said Esme calmly

"Oh yes there is!" said Emmett with passion "No daughter of mine will work as a scullery maid! Pack your bags folks! We're going to the UK, It's time for some population control." Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. Carlisle didn't seem to object, much to Edwards chagrin I'm sure.

**APOV**

Some last minute preparations and a very long plane trip later, we arrived at Prestwick airport, Scotland. Scotland, I wonder what tartan fashions are available. Focus Alice, think of the squirrels!

We arrived at a hotel shortly after, to make a game plan. We had England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales to cover. Jasper called us to a huddle, we huddled like a football team before the championship game.

"Okay guys, concentrate on heavily wooded areas, Bella, you go with Emmett, Rosalie, you go with Edward, you can't be trusted not to get distracted." There was several sounds of protest from the aforementioned Cullens.

"Bells and Eddy are newly weds, and Rose and Em are deviants. Can't be trusted in the woods" my face was determined, save the squirrels, no distractions. There were still grumbles of annoyance. I sighed, the troops need motivation.

"Fine everyone teams up with their partners. Just stay focused!" I said

"Remember, grey squirrels are to be killed on site. Ready?" Jasper put his hand in the middle, we all followed.

"One, two, three. Break! We all exited, some out of the window, some out of the door.

**EPOV**

I can't believe I have been roped into this, killing squirrels. I was in the woods near a high school, seeing no squirrels, but smelling them. My walkie talkie made a noise.

"Red Revolution speaking, report back all team mates. Over" I pushed the button

"Alice, we are not in a war, and you are not called Red Revolution"

"Do not copy, use of codenames please, codenames can be found in pocket. You must say over. Over." I sighed, searched my pockets and found a slip of paper it read "red head" could have been worse

"Red Head standing by"

"Red Leader standing by" said Carlisle

"Red Mamma standing by" Said Esme, sounding like she was enjoying this farce.

"Red Sox standing by" I heard Emmetts voice

"Red Hot standing by, Emmett did you make up these names?" came Rosalie's voice

"Do not copy Red Hot. Over" Emmett was clearly holding back laughs

"Red Neck standing by. Emmett that is not funny" Jasper said

"Blushing Red standing by" my sweet Bella's voice rang.

"Little Red standing by" yes, Nessie had been dragged along too, Alice brainwashed her just like she did to Emmett

"Okay guys, commence mission, over and out" Alice said.

"Bella, are you there?" I asked

"Do not copy Red Head. Over" I sighed, okay, I'll play along

"Blushing Red do you read me. Over"

"Affirmative Red Head, any enemy sighted? Over"

"Negative Blushing Red, commencing scan of teen minds to ascertain if safe to commence mission in the open. Over"

"Good idea Red head. Report back. Over and out."

I scanned the minds in the building. Allowing their thoughts to wash over me. Searching to see if they were looking in our direction, checking for any recent sightings of 'the enemy'. Search the thoughts,

"David Bowie is sooo smexy, what shall I doodle, I know! A hand! Holding an apple!" What on earth?

"She was right! Torchwood is an anagram of Doctor Who! Damn, the teacher asked me a question, umm" Okaaay. Better check that one out.

"Calling all units, some questions, who knows what smexy means? Over"

"Would appear to be sexy with an 'm'. Over" Rosalie said sarcastically

"Eyes on the prize Red Head search and destroy. Red Revolution is over and out" Okay, recommence scan.

"Hugh Lauries hands are totally hot" That's just plain weird!

"I love the Joker, Heath Ledgers face just wasn't long enough, they should just make Joker a cartoon in the next film" Who are these people?!

"I'm a robot. Sono Robotica. Je suis un robot. 100011101101." Robot? What?

"I can't wait till I get out of here and into the mosh pit! Note to self, must get that worldwide mosh pit plan going…" worldwide mosh pit?

"I hope Edward comes for me today and stare at me with those loverly eyes and we can play baseball…," is she talking about…? No, must be a coincidence. The coincidental voice began to sing; "I am a vampire I am a vampire I have lost my fangs." Who is this person? "Uh oh, teacher's looking at me, did he ask me a question? Must send telepathic message to Kate and Rachael. Physics power!" maybe I should stop reading now.

**JPOV**

We have been at it for weeks now. So many squirrels. At least I've had a chance to stretch the old military muscles, even if it was only strategically plotting the demise of some squirrels. Alice and I were watching the news on our small hotel TV. A young woman with heavily styled hair and a painful looking smile was presenting

"In other news, the red squirrel population seems to have rapidly exploded in the past few weeks. A remarkable turn of events due to the scarceness of the species after the introduction of the grey squirrel into the environment" she turned to her male counterpart

"It would appear the native squirrel has found its fighting spirit!" they both laughed I heard six vampires and my hybrid niece saying "Yess!" sounding smug. Edward had come round to the idea; he said the grey squirrels aka 'the enemy' had shifty eyes. I let out my own celebratory noise, however Alice looked downtrodden

"What's wrong, it worked!" I asked

"Keep watching" she sighed.

The female newsreader continued speaking:

"however this victory may be short lived, as the black squirrel, a genetically mutated form the grey squirrel, population is booming. These black squirrels are stronger, faster, and have a higher amount of testosterone than the grey squirrel. It would appear the native red squirrel can't seem to get much luck" Several sounds of outrage were heard; I recognized each one as a member of my family. Damn the mutant squirrels. Damn them.

There, it is done. Please leave any comments and critiques in the form of a review. The thoughts of teenage girls are courtesy of my friends and I. Black squirrels are real by the way. Check it!

/news/article-561946/The-pack-mutant-black-squirrels-giving-Britains-grey-population-taste-medicine.html


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